Strength and Attitude

Let me preface this by saying that I understand the importance of using everything that is within you to have a good attitude and to give your best each and every day. That being said...
It seems like more and more I hear that you can heal yourself and your life of all its ills by simply being strong and having the "RIGHT" attitude...mind over matter, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, put your big boy/girl pants on, I did it and so can you, your destiny is in your hands, where you are is up to you and your will.
Is that what life is about, being the best, having all the strength on your own, having the right attitude to overcome anything and have anything we desire. It's as if there is no place for a soul whose strength has been used up in the battlefield of life...whose life seems to find daily battles with the evil one...no rest for those who yearn for a break. And how can it be mind over matter when the heart is involved? Can you simply will your heart not to feel, not to care or love..or how about willing your heart to simply not beat? And if we block off feelings to have the right attitude, if we block off caring to move forward or block off love to just get over it...do we not becomes robots, nothing more than mere machines? Do we surrender to people who will think us unworthy or less than because we have moments or days or weeks or months of weakness...are we becoming the throw away people because we can no longer achieve great things..because we are tired, lonely and must struggle just to survive?
I think of One who was perfect who wept at the loss of a friend and who cried out for His cross to be lifted. He could have had approval from everyone and yet He sought approval from only One. Did He not have feelings and where was His compassion..was it not on the lowly, the less than, those without, those who were unable to do it on their own, those who are less than perfect? He was "King of Kings" and He could have had anything or been anyone and yet He washed His disciples' feet, to humble Himself as a lowly servant. He taught as a teacher with a love for His children, teaching them love for one another...and yet He died as one who was considered less than, one who was laughed at and taunted by others, one who had strength and relinquished that strength to His Father. Will we be judged on the strength of our will and mind...or on our hearts and how we love?
If we constantly rely on our own strength, our own power...where does that leave God?
I embrace my weakness for it is then that I can let Him wrap His arms tight around me, lay my head on His chest and close my eyes and ears to the sights and sounds of this world.
Thank you My Father for never getting tired of me or giving up on me or expecting me to have the strength and attitude when all I can do is humbly get on my knees. I rest in You.

Depression

I have suffered from depression at various times in my life. Often times I am able to go about my life and no one ever knows there is anything wrong...other times I struggle in varying ways and to various degrees. There have been a couple of times when it was bad enough that I had to go to the doc and get medication. My depression is sometimes biological, sometimes situational and sometimes a combination of both. During the last couple of months, it got extremely bad and it was one of those times when I needed medication, but then I remembered I have no health insurance now and so it progressed to one of my scariest times. I am so thankful that once again, "God carried me"...sometimes thru the love and caring of some very awesome people. One person in particular let me know every day that she was there for me, without judgement...just loving me and sending me encouraging words. (Thank you Judy, you are AMAZING!) Now that I feel like I am finally on the other side of it I thought I would share some stuff from the "Black Period".

The Black Hole

Worn and weary
Fighter goes down
No fight left
Prostrate on the ground.

You are blessed
Voices say
Snap out of it
Don 't act this way.

Shame and guilt
What's wrong with me
Bound by chains
You cannot see.

Depression so deep
How can it be real
Need to be strong
But there's no will.

No death release
To ease the pain
Only another day
And more of the same.

Blackness so dark
Covers your soul
No way out
Of this endless hole.

Don't want to wake up
Day after day
Only more struggles
Nothing left to say.

Bury Me

I was in a deep depression.
Smile away your blues, put on a happy face, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Work, work, work, I had no life.
Tell me about it, I don't either is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so lost and alone.
Snap out of it, I did it so can you is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was weak and had no fight left.
You are so strong, it will get better, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was missing loved ones.
That's in the past, let go of it you said to me.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so much shame and guilt, why was I this way.
Stop whining, just don't worry, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Everything was dark and I had no hope.
Just have more faith, that's all you need is what you said.
But, I couldn't do what was expected...
So I took a bottle of pills and buried all my pain.

8-27-09

I am going to start blogging for two reasons. The first is that I keep hearing this message that if we share our own short-comings, failures and things that Satan is using to attack us or in some way keep us off-balance, then it takes away one of his tools...ISOLATION, because he loves to keep us isolated. And just as the abuser loves to keep his or her victim isolated from family and friends, I see Satan using the very same tactic. The second is to let you have a real glimpse into me...not just the me that everyone sees, but the inside Sharon, the one that God is constantly having to cleanse and carry. In this way, people will know for certain that God is THE REASON for me and that the very reason that I am here is because of His immeasurable love for us. My blogs will vary from random thoughts to daily events to "HEART AND SOUL" stuff.

Went to the park with Hope today. Saw quite a few dads there with their kids...made me think of Jim and how much he was looking forward to being with his son. Thought of JJ and had to turn my focus back to the moment...bury the reality of the past again and confront the reality of the now...JJ's journey into manhood without the much needed well-rounded influence of a Christian dad. JJ has "heart" and is becoming a wonderful man...but there are areas where he needs that "loving dad" example...