Friday, September 4, 2009

Depression

I have suffered from depression at various times in my life. Often times I am able to go about my life and no one ever knows there is anything wrong...other times I struggle in varying ways and to various degrees. There have been a couple of times when it was bad enough that I had to go to the doc and get medication. My depression is sometimes biological, sometimes situational and sometimes a combination of both. During the last couple of months, it got extremely bad and it was one of those times when I needed medication, but then I remembered I have no health insurance now and so it progressed to one of my scariest times. I am so thankful that once again, "God carried me"...sometimes thru the love and caring of some very awesome people. One person in particular let me know every day that she was there for me, without judgement...just loving me and sending me encouraging words. (Thank you Judy, you are AMAZING!) Now that I feel like I am finally on the other side of it I thought I would share some stuff from the "Black Period".

The Black Hole

Worn and weary
Fighter goes down
No fight left
Prostrate on the ground.

You are blessed
Voices say
Snap out of it
Don 't act this way.

Shame and guilt
What's wrong with me
Bound by chains
You cannot see.

Depression so deep
How can it be real
Need to be strong
But there's no will.

No death release
To ease the pain
Only another day
And more of the same.

Blackness so dark
Covers your soul
No way out
Of this endless hole.

Don't want to wake up
Day after day
Only more struggles
Nothing left to say.

Bury Me

I was in a deep depression.
Smile away your blues, put on a happy face, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Work, work, work, I had no life.
Tell me about it, I don't either is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so lost and alone.
Snap out of it, I did it so can you is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was weak and had no fight left.
You are so strong, it will get better, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was missing loved ones.
That's in the past, let go of it you said to me.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so much shame and guilt, why was I this way.
Stop whining, just don't worry, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Everything was dark and I had no hope.
Just have more faith, that's all you need is what you said.
But, I couldn't do what was expected...
So I took a bottle of pills and buried all my pain.