God Loves JJ

Father, Thank You for your Constant Love. JJ is home now. On Tuesday, April 19, my son awoke to massive chest pains...so bad that he could not even get out of his bed to come and get me in my bedroom about 5 feet away. God provides... a friend had just bought me a phone and the service time and minutes to go with it. JJ called me on that phone to let me know that he needed help. After taking his BP and heart rate (Both normal), I thought that perhaps it was refracted pain from maybe his stomach, appendix or gall bladder. The pain did not let up and I knew that insurance or not, this healthy, strapping young man needed to be seen by a doctor, so off to Sutter Roseville Hospital ER to see a doc. When we arrived there were questions, questions, questions and then off to triage. His BP/Heart Rate was still normal and an EKG also came back normal...Into a room to see an ER doctor and more questions. Although the doctor keeps asking questions that would be asked of a heart patient, no one, including the doctor is really thinking in terms of heart because the only presenting symptom is massive chest pain (not in arm, back, neck or anywhere else and JJ does not do drugs) and heart attacks are extremely rare in young people who are not druggies (Oh and believe me they asked this one over and over and I am sure did a screening for drugs after the results of the troponin blood test). However because of family history with blood clots and strokes, the doctor said he would do some tests with this in mind. God works again...The doctor said he is not really sure why he decided to do a heart enzyme blood test but he did.

“Cardiac markers (also called cardiac enzymes) are substances that are released into the bloodstream when the heart muscle is damaged. These markers can be measured in a laboratory to help diagnose a heart attack (myocardial infarction). The cardiac markers that are most useful in making a determination of heart muscle damage include: Troponin, Creatine kinase (CK), and Myoglobin (Mb)” -Mayo Clinic-

Here is the info off the lab report from the hospital: “Troponin values from 0.0 – 0.10 are considered normal. Values from 0.11 – 0.59 are indicative of minor cardiac injury, unstable angina or are predictive of increased risk of cardiac event over the next 30 – 40 days.” Just so you can put this into perspective, when the first test came back, JJ’s count was 6.5 and his count went up to 21.22 the next day.

Is there any question that God has had His Hand on JJ? Glory and Honor to God. There is no doubt for me and I know that a huge part of that is because of the many many people that were praying for my son.

So, here is the official diagnosis...Myocarditis/Endocarditis due to a virus that attacked the heart. An echocardiogram done before JJ was discharged showed that damage has affected heart function. His heart is also still enlarged but the doctor feels that a long slow recovery will ensure that the heart function returns to normal. This is still a serious situation and I am requesting your prayers for the coming days and weeks and ?

On a personal note, as I sat in the hospital with my “baby boy” and realized that this is about as serious as things can get, many thoughts ran through my mind. I thought of JJ’s dad, Jim and how I much I wished he were with me and his son right now. I thought of how the last piece of my husband could be taken. I thought of how JJ is only 17, ready to graduate High School, just got a job, getting ready for his Senior Ball and his girlfriends Jr. Prom, ready to take steps to fulfill his dream of becoming a firefighter. I’ve lived my life; this should be me in that hospital bed...not my son with his whole life in front of him. But I also thought of how loved my son is, I thought of how much family means to me, not just earthly but my amazing family from God and most of all I thought of how My Father always does the best for His children (even though we may not always understand why). My Lord has always been there for me, through the good and the bad, teaching me, loving me, bringing me into a closer relationship with Him and all the while showing me over and over that He loves us with a love that is all encompassing. He assured me that he loves my son even more than I ever could...and so I trusted Him completely with my son and even though the human factor was there...a helpless mom watching her child, a mom praying for her child, a mom putting her son into The Father’s Hands, there was a wonderful peace knowing that JJ was in My Fathers most powerful and yet tender Arms.

Please continue your prayers for this my son, JJ.

My Roller Coaster Life and GOD

I continue to be humbled by Our Father who never fails to show His love for me and provides for me in the most incredible ways. THANK YOU to ALL my amazing family and friends. When the roller coaster ride of this life threatens all I have and even my very sanity, you reassure me with your never ending honesty, love and support. You give me the strength to venture out and get on the ride once more and it is because of you that I actually have some fun doing it. You love me in spite of myself. When I am unforgivable...you forgive me, when I push away..you draw me close, when I can't stand...you support me and when I am unlovable...You love me. You enrich my life beyond measure and I am truly rich in a way that words cannot describe. Love You All!

Home Again

Stress can and will kill! This is why God in His infinite wisdom continually tells us to give things to Him. My brain is not totally processing correctly at this time and stress has indeed taken a great toll on who I am. Through the grace of God, I am back again, albeit not feeling entirely whole. Went to the emergency room on Monday, January 18 with low blood pressure and difficulty breathing and was admitted. Turns out Dr. says I was gravely ill and for a couple days and did not think I would even make it out of the hospital. Not sure why, but God keeps keeping me here. I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism, septic blood poisoning, fluid on the lungs, pneumonia, cyst (at this point in time they believe is simple benign cyst) on the pancreas and early onset of COPD. I was released to go home on Tuesday, January 26 with antibiotics and Coumadin…and after having been home about 24 hours needed to go back to ER for extremely low (67/40) blood pressure where I was again admitted into hospital. After getting things back under control including a drop in blood count, I was released to come home today, Saturday, January 30. I have no health insurance and I am sure that the amount of bills relating to this will total more than my home is worth. I know that many have been praying for my health and I would appreciate continued prayers in that area. Now I would also like to ask for prayers for finances. Love to you all for your continuing love and support. Coming home is a wonderful thing and I find that this life becomes more and more about Him. I love being with loved ones and know that God keeps keeping me here. I pray that I will always be able to fulfill His desires and walk whatever path that He desires for me.

Strength and Attitude

Let me preface this by saying that I understand the importance of using everything that is within you to have a good attitude and to give your best each and every day. That being said...
It seems like more and more I hear that you can heal yourself and your life of all its ills by simply being strong and having the "RIGHT" attitude...mind over matter, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, put your big boy/girl pants on, I did it and so can you, your destiny is in your hands, where you are is up to you and your will.
Is that what life is about, being the best, having all the strength on your own, having the right attitude to overcome anything and have anything we desire. It's as if there is no place for a soul whose strength has been used up in the battlefield of life...whose life seems to find daily battles with the evil one...no rest for those who yearn for a break. And how can it be mind over matter when the heart is involved? Can you simply will your heart not to feel, not to care or love..or how about willing your heart to simply not beat? And if we block off feelings to have the right attitude, if we block off caring to move forward or block off love to just get over it...do we not becomes robots, nothing more than mere machines? Do we surrender to people who will think us unworthy or less than because we have moments or days or weeks or months of weakness...are we becoming the throw away people because we can no longer achieve great things..because we are tired, lonely and must struggle just to survive?
I think of One who was perfect who wept at the loss of a friend and who cried out for His cross to be lifted. He could have had approval from everyone and yet He sought approval from only One. Did He not have feelings and where was His compassion..was it not on the lowly, the less than, those without, those who were unable to do it on their own, those who are less than perfect? He was "King of Kings" and He could have had anything or been anyone and yet He washed His disciples' feet, to humble Himself as a lowly servant. He taught as a teacher with a love for His children, teaching them love for one another...and yet He died as one who was considered less than, one who was laughed at and taunted by others, one who had strength and relinquished that strength to His Father. Will we be judged on the strength of our will and mind...or on our hearts and how we love?
If we constantly rely on our own strength, our own power...where does that leave God?
I embrace my weakness for it is then that I can let Him wrap His arms tight around me, lay my head on His chest and close my eyes and ears to the sights and sounds of this world.
Thank you My Father for never getting tired of me or giving up on me or expecting me to have the strength and attitude when all I can do is humbly get on my knees. I rest in You.

Depression

I have suffered from depression at various times in my life. Often times I am able to go about my life and no one ever knows there is anything wrong...other times I struggle in varying ways and to various degrees. There have been a couple of times when it was bad enough that I had to go to the doc and get medication. My depression is sometimes biological, sometimes situational and sometimes a combination of both. During the last couple of months, it got extremely bad and it was one of those times when I needed medication, but then I remembered I have no health insurance now and so it progressed to one of my scariest times. I am so thankful that once again, "God carried me"...sometimes thru the love and caring of some very awesome people. One person in particular let me know every day that she was there for me, without judgement...just loving me and sending me encouraging words. (Thank you Judy, you are AMAZING!) Now that I feel like I am finally on the other side of it I thought I would share some stuff from the "Black Period".

The Black Hole

Worn and weary
Fighter goes down
No fight left
Prostrate on the ground.

You are blessed
Voices say
Snap out of it
Don 't act this way.

Shame and guilt
What's wrong with me
Bound by chains
You cannot see.

Depression so deep
How can it be real
Need to be strong
But there's no will.

No death release
To ease the pain
Only another day
And more of the same.

Blackness so dark
Covers your soul
No way out
Of this endless hole.

Don't want to wake up
Day after day
Only more struggles
Nothing left to say.

Bury Me

I was in a deep depression.
Smile away your blues, put on a happy face, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Work, work, work, I had no life.
Tell me about it, I don't either is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so lost and alone.
Snap out of it, I did it so can you is what you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was weak and had no fight left.
You are so strong, it will get better, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I was missing loved ones.
That's in the past, let go of it you said to me.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

I felt so much shame and guilt, why was I this way.
Stop whining, just don't worry, you said.
So I did what was expected
And buried a part of my pain.

Everything was dark and I had no hope.
Just have more faith, that's all you need is what you said.
But, I couldn't do what was expected...
So I took a bottle of pills and buried all my pain.

8-27-09

I am going to start blogging for two reasons. The first is that I keep hearing this message that if we share our own short-comings, failures and things that Satan is using to attack us or in some way keep us off-balance, then it takes away one of his tools...ISOLATION, because he loves to keep us isolated. And just as the abuser loves to keep his or her victim isolated from family and friends, I see Satan using the very same tactic. The second is to let you have a real glimpse into me...not just the me that everyone sees, but the inside Sharon, the one that God is constantly having to cleanse and carry. In this way, people will know for certain that God is THE REASON for me and that the very reason that I am here is because of His immeasurable love for us. My blogs will vary from random thoughts to daily events to "HEART AND SOUL" stuff.

Went to the park with Hope today. Saw quite a few dads there with their kids...made me think of Jim and how much he was looking forward to being with his son. Thought of JJ and had to turn my focus back to the moment...bury the reality of the past again and confront the reality of the now...JJ's journey into manhood without the much needed well-rounded influence of a Christian dad. JJ has "heart" and is becoming a wonderful man...but there are areas where he needs that "loving dad" example...